"Elliana Marie" Will be here by next week!!

After some discussion with our OB doctor we decided to be induced on Thursday October 7th if she does not decide to come before then.  That means she will definitely be here by NEXT WEEK!!  We are so excited and can't wait to have her in our arms.

Our special girls name is................Elliana Marie

The story behind her name........We have been looking at baby names and together shared some, but none really jumped out at me.  I then found the name "Elliana" online.  I fell in love with the name because it was different and I had never heard it before.  The meaning of the name was a huge reason why I just had to have it be her name.   

The girl's name "Eliana"  \e-lia-na   pronounced el-ee-AH-nah, is of Hebrew origin, and its meaning is "God has answered".

We feel that all children are a gift from God and that our little girl is God answering our prayers!

After deciding that I loved that name I began to look more into the name and googled it on the internet.  I found a blog of a women who also lost her first born son and choose her daughters name to be Elliana.  She also blogged about a song that a christen writer wrote and sang for her own daughter named Elliana.  Once I found the song and hear it my heart melted!!  From then on Elliana was her name!!  I would like to share the song with you and the words that I fell in love with.

The song is by Watermark and the name is Elliana's Song.  The song is on my playlist, it is the last song on the list #9.  You can also hear the song by clicking here ELLIANA song by Watermark

The words to the song.

Baby woman, tiny in stature now
But your heart is a treasure
Little princess come follow behind me now
I am reaching for you
(chorus)

Elliana, God has answered my prayers
Elliana, God will conquer my fears
To mother a daughter, to look you in the eye
To know that I had everything, to walk with you in life
To give you to Jesus that He would impart
The wisdom that I'm longing for to mother your heart
Elliana, God has answered my prayers

There will be others to lead and to guide you girl
But only one you'll call Mother, the honor is all mine
To show you what a woman's like
I'm so glad you're mine
(chorus)
Tenderness of God is twirling around
In our living room tonight
Lighten up your daddy's eyes
And know that he just wants to freeze you in time
(chorus)

See what I mean it is beautiful!!!!

Here are some pictures of her room.

 I didn't plan on using so much pink but then found this pink and brown bedding set and just really liked the flowers and butterfly's. 

 I bought the letters and cross from hobby lobby.  I painted the letters and painted the inside portion of the cross.

I kept the shower invitations and placed them above the closet.  That is the bassinet we plan to use at  first to keep her close to us in our bedroom. 

We are ready for Elliana to come into this world and grace us with her presence.  We are excited and ready for this new chapter in our lives.  

Please pray for us that there are no complications of labor and that she and I do well with the stresses of labor.  As mentioned before we are trying a VBAC delivery.  There are some risks with this but there are also risks with a cesarean delivery.  We will not know the outcome until we are in the moment.  It all depends on a multitude of things and really not in our control.  

Thank you so much for your prayers!

Elliana's mom~ Angela 

37 weeks considered at TERM :-)

Today we had another OB apt.  At this point we see the doctor every week.  We were reassured that our little girl is doing well.  My body is progressing and preparing for labor.  I'm excited to say that I am dilated at 3 cm and 30% effaced.  Hopefully, I continue to make progress and able to have a VBAC, Vaginal Birth After Cesarean.  Since my body is progressing my OB doctor said that we would be able to try the VBAC.  Although no guarantees this is my preference.  If she does not come by Oct. 6th we may be induced around this day.  The doctor does not want me to go past my due date.  This little girl will be here before Oct. 13th!!!

Today we also had a CST contraction stress test.  This is when they want to see me have contractions and see how she reacts to the stress of the contractions.  Over the 20 minute observation they want to see 7 contractions and 3 of them within 10 minutes.  My body had around 9 contractions on its own.  If the contractions are not occurring they have was to help cause contractions but that was not needed today.  Our little girl was doing so well she was sleeping through the activity.  The nurse had to use a noise maker to wake her up.  She instantly woke up and kicked me saying "what was that".  It is important for them to see her heart rate fluctuation with activity to see how she reacts to stress.  She passed the test with no problems.  It was nice to have Mark there this time, previously I have been doing the tests prior to going into work.  He enjoyed hearing her heart rate and seeing that our little daughter is doing well.

Pregnancy is beautiful!
Mark took some pictures of us last weeks.  I would like to share them with you.  I treasure the ones of the 3 of us together.  He was the photographer, so we only have a few together.  Nice job honey!

I will keep you posted!  

This little girl will be coming into this world soon!  I can't wait to have her in our arms and be her mother.

A glimpse of our little girl

Last week I got the opportunity or shall I say our little girl was able to help ultrasound technicians explore how to use a 3D ultrasound machine.  Last time with Benjamin we paid and had a 3D ultrasound done.  This time due to having extra ultrasounds we didn't feel the need to do it again.  But when asked to do so of course I wanted to, any time I can get a glimpse of her is a treasure.  I was glad to hear her head was down and that she was not in the breach position as she was during our last ultrasound.  I pray she stays there!  The technicians were only able to get one picture.  Her head was so far down in my pelvis they were unable to get clear pictures.  But the one picture they did get is AWESOME!!  I just had to share it.  You can see her nose, eyes, chin and sweet little lips.  It is an amazing site.

    Her right arm is going under her chin.  Both hands are on the left side of her face.  

So PRECIOUS I can't wait till the day we get to hold her in our arms!!

I am getting very excited.  Each day that passes I believe this is really going to happen.  I have always had faith but it is becoming more real to me.  

I am glad I can share this with you.  

With love, Angela

Angie Smith's Book, Giving back

I have not shared how I got started blogging.  So here is a little story.  I heard a blurb about a women who had lost a child on KLove, a christian radio station and was interested in it since she too loss a baby.  At that time I just heard something on the radio and did not know much more.  A friend at church had told me some about hearing about a women who loss a child but it did not click that it was the same person.  I just dismissed it and went on.  Then just a couple months after we loss Benjamin a link was posted on KLove's facebook page, which came up on my wall.  I had only been on facebook for a month.  Again, I was drawn to it since there was a small picture of Angie and her husband with a very small baby.  I clicked on that link and realized this was a women who had lost a baby girl just a year before us on April 7th 2008.  I quickly became drawn into her blog which was full of how she went through her pain as we were too.  I went back to the beginning of her blog and read it ALL!  It took a while to go through it all but it honestly helped me deal with my feelings.  It showed me that I was not alone, that there are other mothers out there who are feeling and going through the same thing as me.  I needed that so much right then.  And you know what God knew that!  I believe with my whole heart he introduced me to her at the right time.  It's funny I think back on now and realize that God was trying to help me but I was too busy to notice it.  It took 3 times before I final got it.  I heard it briefly on the radio, a friend tried to tell me about it and then on facebook.  Sorry I took so long to listen, God!  Angie Smith's blog helped me so I decided to also blog our story.  Benjamin's story is the only post in 2009.  I haven't posted much since then until recently.  Now I hope my postings can help others as I know Angie's blog has.  If I can touch one soul or one heart then Benjamin has helped others as Angie Smith's daughter Caroline has helped so many.  This is why I blog.  It allows for me to express my deep feelings and I can only pray it reaches others out there.  I believe it has.  I have connected with other moms like me and my followers are complete strangers.  That's God working there. 

Since Angie's blog she went further and wrote a book, which includes a lot from her blog.  I wish I could give it to every mother with a child loss.  Then I thought I can make a small difference.  I pre-ordered 12 of her books.  One for me, one for our church library, and 10 more in hopes to give them to mothers with a loss.  I have had the books for a long time and finally this week I met up with a social worker at the hospital where I work, the hospital where Benjamin was born.  The Social worker works with the infant loss program at the hospital.  I gave these books to her and asked that she give them to mothers who tragically go through the same loss as us.  I can't tell you how wonderful it felt.  This is a way for me to give back, honor our son and share Angie's story.  I pray that it will touch the lives of others as it has touched mine.  If it reaches one soul then it is all worth it!  I plan to continue to replenish these books as they are given out to mothers.  I want these mothers to know they are not alone! 

Again I can not tell you how good it feels to give back.  It is easy to just give money to an organization but when you give your TIME and heart it means so much more.  I remember helping a local church stuff backpacks with school supplies for local children in the area.  The parents of these children do not have the means to get the supplies they need for school.  I enjoyed it so much.  In just a couple hours we quickly ran out of supplies and the project was done.  We stuffed hundreds of backpacks.  It was sad when it was over it just had not taken that long to do as we all worked together.  I sometime wonder if the giver receives more than the receiver of the gift.  I know we are helping these kids but I think I got just as much out of it as they did.  It is amazing to give back to others.  If you have not done something like this I strongly encourage you to find something to become a part of.  Giving money is good too but when you become a part of something and give something more precious than your money, "Your Time" it means so much more.  I believe this is one of my spiritual gifts and I need to use it more often!!  Our time is so precious and I know I need to work on giving it more to others.

"Give generously to him and do so without a grudging heart; then because of this the Lord your God will bless you in all your work and in everything you put your hand to." Deuteron 15:10

Not offten will I have 2 postings in one week but I just wanted to share this, my thoughts. 
What type of giving have you done that you have enjoyed.  I would enjoy reading your comments.  This may also help others find ways to give back with in their communities.

Have a blessed day, Angela

Oh yeah if you want to purchase this book for yourself or others here is a link to it.  I recommend going through Angie's Blog to order online.  If you click on the link from her blog to order she then is given some of these proceeds or credit back and she is always giving books to people.  This way you too will be helping that great cause.  You can visit her blog by clicking here Angie Smith's Blog "Bring the Rain"    You will see the link to her book on the left side bar.

Below are also direct links to order her book these links have already gone through her blog so if you click on them you will still be helping her give back to others. 

Amazon--Amazon link
Barnes and Noble--Barnes and Noble link

I hope you enjoy her book and blog as much as I have and if you are giving to others then bless you!
Ang

28 weeks and she is doing fine

As you know, if you know our story or have read my blog.  We had a perfect pregnancy last year with our son Benjamin but we found out at 28 weeks it was not so perfect.  28 weeks was the time when we found that our Benjamin had hydrops, which means he had fluid in his chest and abdomen.  Anyway, because of this we have been watching our growing little girl closely.  Everything has shown to be OK and once again the ultrasound shows that she is right on track.  It was such a blessing to hear this information form the Dr. who delivered our precious Benjamin.  It was nice to see him again in a different setting.  It also brings tears to my eyes as I so wish things could have been different for our baby boy.  It's hard to explain.  I don't want to miss out on the joy that we are having with our baby girl but Benjamin is never far from our minds.  I am at the point where I am experiencing things that I did not get to do with Benjamin.  Simple things I wish I could have had with him. 

We are so excited.  She weights about 3 pounds now and her heart rate is 153.  This little girl is going to come into this world and stay with us.  I believe that with my whole heart.  I just can't believe it is going to happen in 2 1/2 months!!  Based on the last 2 ultrasounds she is due to be welcomed into this world around Oct. 3rd.  So it may be the first week of October rather than the 2nd week.  No matter what she will be here before Oct.13th.  My OB doctor feels it is safer for her to enter the world than to remain in my belly any longer than that (meaning not past my due date).

Once again thank you for your prayers and comments.  They mean so much!!

 Soon to be mommy again........Angela

28 weeks and she is doing fine

As you know, if you know our story or have read my blog.  We had a perfect pregnancy last year with our son Benjamin but we found out at 28 weeks it was not so perfect.  28 weeks was the time when we found that our Benjamin had hydrops, which means he had fluid in his chest and abdomen.  Anyway, because of this we have been watching our growing little girl closely.  Everything has shown to be OK and once again the ultrasound shows that she is right on track.  It was such a blessing to hear this information form the Dr. who delivered our precious Benjamin.  It was nice to see him again in a different setting.  It also brings tears to my eyes as I so wish things could have been different for our baby boy.  It's hard to explain.  I don't want to miss out on the joy that we are having with our baby girl but Benjamin is never far from our minds.  I am at the point where I am experiencing things that I did not get to do with Benjamin.  Simple things I wish I could have had with him. 

We are so excited.  She weights about 3 pounds now and her heart rate is 153.  This little girl is going to come into this world and stay with us.  I believe that with my whole heart.  I just can't believe it is going to happen in 2 1/2 months!!  Based on the last 2 ultrasounds she is due to be welcomed into this world around Oct. 3rd.  So it may be the first week of October rather than the 2nd week.  No matter what she will be here before Oct.13th.  My OB doctor feels it is safer for her to enter the world than to remain in my belly any longer than that (meaning not past my due date).

Once again thank you for your prayers and comments.  They mean so much!!

 Soon to be mommy again........Angela

He is always there

As we go through life we get busy and don’t always feel that God is still there with us.  If we stop and slow down we may see that he is right there.  I would like to share some times that I know God was right there by my side carrying me through the pains of this life.
During one of the most difficult times in my life or shall I say the most difficult time of my life so far was the funeral of my son, Benjamin.  I was overwhelmed with sadness.  I remember that day as if it was yesterday.  Walking to his grave site in disbelief that this was really happening, as I held my belly from the incision where he was cut out of me.  Did I just give birth to my baby boy and is he really gone?  Will I really not be able to hold him again or help him grow up into a handsome man?  I remember my brother, Bryan, Mark’s brother, Mike and Jim our brother-in-law, carrying Benjamin to us.  My first thoughts were wow what a small coffin.  Don’t know why I expected it to be bigger I guess because I have never been to an infant funeral.  I just could not believe how small it was.  As tears rolled down my face it began to rain as Bryan, Mike, and Jim carried our son to us God was crying too.  It was amazing it started to poor down rain.  I remember being worried that I would not be able to hear our preacher Victor as it was raining so hard.  Just as I thought that the rain stopped.  It never rained again like that, that day.  I believe with my whole hart that God too was feeling our sorrow.  He was right there with us, HOLDING us during our deep sorrow.

The first time you see your new born child, it is suppose to be full of joy and happiness.  When Mark and I finally got to see our son, Benjamin it was not like that.  We saw our little boy lifeless as tubes were keeping him alive.  His arm was limp, unable to feel our touch or grasp our hand.  I have never felt such pain and disappointment before.  I was completely distraught.  The extent of Benjamin’s illness was staring us right in the face and we could not believe it.  I left his side feeling so alone and so distraught I became angry, asking why, how could this be happening, this is so unfair.  Looking back on that moment in time I was not alone God was there.  I just did not realize it at that time.  In the picture below you can see the cross within the lighting above all, in the room.  God was there holding us the entire time.

If you can not see the cross then stand further back from the computer.  It is there!

In my kitchen I have some Jim Shore figurines.  Two new ones I have are Have Faith and Forever in His Embrace. I placed some cards by them that we just received since we just reached the anniversary of our son’s birthday, I cannot believe it has been a year!  One day as I was doing day to day things I saw the sun shining down hard on a special card that we had gotten and the figurine "Forever in His Embrace".  It was as if God was saying, “Yes I have him and he is in my embrace”.  I quickly took at picture of it.  I looked at the picture and thought I can get a better picture than that.  I turned back to take another picture and it was gone.  Here is the picture I took.  The writing on the angel says, “The Lord has called you home and it is within the embrace of his loving arms that you shall reside forever”.  We know where Benjamin is and Thank You Lord for reminding me of that!

 The card says "For a brief while, a wonderful miracle was yours......

On Mother’s Day I wanted to go to Benjamin's grave.  I know I do not have to go there to be close to him as he is always there in my heart.  But that day when I felt that my son should be in my arms holding me tight and giving me mother’s day kisses I just had to go.  As Mark and I approved the drive to the cemetery the song “Held” came on the radio station K-Love, the station that I now listen to all of the time.  We had this station playing during our entire labor process.  I had this song on my iPod before having Benjamin.  I remember singing it to him and the words meant different to me.  I thought it was about Mary and her Son, sacred one being taken away from her.  That is not what it is about at all.  It is about the cry of a mother and father losing their child.  It’s about when everything fell they would be held.  When all fell we were still being held and God is still holding us.  Any way as we drove to the cemetery that day this song began to play.  I turned it up and sang along.  As we parked the song ended and Kelly on K-Love said, that was played for all of you mother’s out there who have lost a child and that this day is hard but that God is holding you.  I felt comfort then.  At that moment I was amazed.  What is the likely hood that, that song would play like that as we approach our son’s grave.  I thank you God for continuing to talk to me and let me know you are there.  Here are the words to that song and you click on this site to hear it for yourself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-hJ87ApWtw&feature=related

"Held" 

by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley
and tomorrow.

(Chorus)

(Bridge)
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

Some people may choose to say all of these things are just a coincidence.  I have a hard time believing that.  There are more ways I know God has shown/reminded me that he is there.  But, there are many, many, more that I never saw.  Slow down and allow God to talk to you.  This is really hard for me but I am trying hard to "Make time for the quiet moments as God whispers and the world is loud"

Please share some of the times that he has shown you that he is there.  Your comments are appreciated and I pray they will inspire others.  Slow down and allow him to show you his presence.

 

God Bless you!

Angela

An aching heart

Yesterday I woke up at 0538 just minutes before Benjamin was born.  I sang happy birthday to him, while I laid in bed thinking about that day, a year ago when we had him.  Yesterday we placed flowers in the vase we got with the plot marker.  It was nice to see all of the flowers from others.  I thought that day I should be having a party for him and giving him so much more than flowers at a grave site.  Although I am sure they had a party for him in Heaven..with our grandparents by his side.  Now I am feeling that roller coaster today.  It is only the next day but it really is filled with saddens.  I did not expect that, not sure why but I have been so strong.  I remember the pain I felt and the disbelief of what just happen.  Today I wish I had spent more time with him, as if any time would be long enough.  If I had known I only had a day I would have watched him, in amazement move about in his little hospital bed.  I would have held his little hand longer to feel that touch just a little longer.  We both cannot believe it has been a year.  It does not seem possible.  To us it feels like only a couple months.

Yes, the joy of our little girl is such a blessing.  She is loved so much already.  I love this saying which I saw in a store .."the first blessing of parenthood is loving so deeply someone you've never met".  It is so true of my feelings for her and Benjamin.  And once you get to lay eyes on them that love is so overwhelming!!  A love I truly have never felt before.  It is just amazing.  At times with Benjamin I didn't even see the life supporting machines.  I only saw our little boy and was stricken by him!  Now as we go through this again with the anticipation of our precious little girl, we can only imagine that day of love.  Being able to hold our girl I know will be one of the most amazing days of our life.  Something that is so often taken for granted will be so much more for us.  I am praying for that day.  I know as before this is all in God’s hands.  I am trying so hard to not worry or allow that anxiety to enter my soul.  I think I have done well with that so far but as we approach  21 weeks tomorrow I have allowed some of that worry to enter.  With Benjamin all looked perfect.  His detailed ultrasound was at 19 weeks, hers at 20, and both with no signs of a problem.  The world around us came crashing down at 28 weeks.  The next 7 weeks my worry is a bit more.  I can only trust and know it is in our God’s hands.  

Philippians 4:6 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”  Phil 4:9 continues to say: “Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put into practice.  And the God of peace will be with you.”  

Please pray for me that I can remember this and put into practice what I already know.  God is all powerful and in control.  May he give me peace in knowing that.  

Happy Birthday Benjamin

We Love an miss you so much!!

March of Dimes photos

We were overwhelmed with the love support we had this day.  Thank you Joyce for the perfect T-shirts!

Thanks so much for your support we raised $1,035!!!

 It was amazing to see all of the people there supporting such a great cause.  There were groups like us remembering their loss.  There were others celebrating the miracle of life.  One dad had a sign. On one side it said Miracle 1.5 lb and on the other side it showed his son grown up at the age of 4 or 5.  It was an amazing site. 

We will do this every year to remember Benjamin and the work March of Dimes does for families during such a difficult time.  

Thank you everyone for your love and support of our walk!!