Tuesday, June 1, 2010

An aching heart

Yesterday I woke up at 0538 just minutes before Benjamin was born.  I sang happy birthday to him, while I laid in bed thinking about that day, a year ago when we had him.  Yesterday we placed flowers in the vase we got with the plot marker.  It was nice to see all of the flowers from others.  I thought that day I should be having a party for him and giving him so much more than flowers at a grave site.  Although I am sure they had a party for him in Heaven..with our grandparents by his side.  Now I am feeling that roller coaster today.  It is only the next day but it really is filled with saddens.  I did not expect that, not sure why but I have been so strong.  I remember the pain I felt and the disbelief of what just happen.  Today I wish I had spent more time with him, as if any time would be long enough.  If I had known I only had a day I would have watched him, in amazement move about in his little hospital bed.  I would have held his little hand longer to feel that touch just a little longer.  We both cannot believe it has been a year.  It does not seem possible.  To us it feels like only a couple months.

Yes, the joy of our little girl is such a blessing.  She is loved so much already.  I love this saying which I saw in a store .."the first blessing of parenthood is loving so deeply someone you've never met".  It is so true of my feelings for her and Benjamin.  And once you get to lay eyes on them that love is so overwhelming!!  A love I truly have never felt before.  It is just amazing.  At times with Benjamin I didn't even see the life supporting machines.  I only saw our little boy and was stricken by him!  Now as we go through this again with the anticipation of our precious little girl, we can only imagine that day of love.  Being able to hold our girl I know will be one of the most amazing days of our life.  Something that is so often taken for granted will be so much more for us.  I am praying for that day.  I know as before this is all in God’s hands.  I am trying so hard to not worry or allow that anxiety to enter my soul.  I think I have done well with that so far but as we approach  21 weeks tomorrow I have allowed some of that worry to enter.  With Benjamin all looked perfect.  His detailed ultrasound was at 19 weeks, hers at 20, and both with no signs of a problem.  The world around us came crashing down at 28 weeks.  The next 7 weeks my worry is a bit more.  I can only trust and know it is in our God’s hands.  

Philippians 4:6 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”  Phil 4:9 continues to say: “Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put into practice.  And the God of peace will be with you.”  

Please pray for me that I can remember this and put into practice what I already know.  God is all powerful and in control.  May he give me peace in knowing that.  

Happy Birthday Benjamin
We Love an miss you so much!!


  1. I am so glad that you and Mark have each other to get you through. The faith you both have knowing we will see Benjamin again I know is what helps. All will be made clear when we get there. Did you notice God cried for us again Tuesday, but then brought out his smiling sunshine to warm our day and bring us joy? He is an awesome God! Love you both. Michelle

  2. I definitely noticed how it briefly rained that day. It is amazing how God keeps reminding me that he is always there. I truly thank him for that!! I pray he touches other lives like he has mine